


Only for her

by Fovvia



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Implied JeanPiku Implied Rivamika, Implied Relationships, Multi, One-Sided Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:28:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29983557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fovvia/pseuds/Fovvia
Summary: Lo Douleur Exquise (n); French• The excruciating pain of loving someone you can't have_______________________________________________In which Mikasa falls in love with three people in her lifetime and Jean is none of them.Canon-verse Au.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart, Levi Ackerman/Mikasa Ackerman, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein, Mikasa Ackerman/Reiner Braun
Comments: 5
Kudos: 57





	Only for her

_Jean had always been there._

●●●

The first time he saw _her_ , the earth slipped under his feet and _he fell. She was an exquisite being - an ethereal entity_ walking down the paltry floorboards of their dining hall. Dark hair, long and luscious, fluttered behind her like night veiling the moon itself.

Out of instinct, he had called out to her and complimented her beautiful hair. His heart, young and inexperienced back then, almost exploded out of his chest as she turned around (just slightly). _Captivating -_ was the only word swirling around his mind as deep gray clashed with honeyed brown for the first time. She didn't glance at him for long, no. She merely acknowledged his compliment and walked away.

However, Jean had already fallen. Those few seconds, those trivial seconds was all he had (and barely survived) and still fell.

_He just didn't realize that falling always leads to hell and never to heaven._

_●●●_

"MIKASA!"

A shuddering breath escaped his lips and he was overcome with an inexplicable rage - something inhuman. _Monstrous._

Had he have the time to analyse the situation, he would've reprimanded himself quietly but when it came to her, he loses control. His morals, his rules, his intentions - they always fell down _that_ dark pitch, farther and farther from his reach.

_But only for her._

"Let her go, you damn bastard!" A terrifying slash followed his enraged shout as Mikasa fell out of the titan's grip. Jean pushed his gear and caught her with practiced agility, landing a few feet away from the commotion. _She was injured._ He realised as soon as he observed her grimacing expression.

"Are you-"

"Eren!"

Mikasa shrieked in horror and before Jean could offer his assistance, she was running off towards the titan holder.

'She didn't even thank me.' His arrogant side remarked in disdain and yet, he couldn't bring himself to hate her for it. How could he?

_He had already fallen._

_●●●_

"You can't do that!" The words flew out of his mouth in obvious desperation before he could stop them. Eren had quietly mentioned the rapid passing of time, how little of it he has left and how someone would need to inherit the Attack Titan soon. Naturally, Mikasa had been the first one to volunteer and naturally, Jean had resisted.

In an attempt to conceal his worry, he quickly added a few excuses, "We still don't know the deal with Ackermans. Besides, you'll have a lot of business with Hizuru in future."

She directed an accusing glance towards him and his heart skipped a beat.

 _How pathetic._ She rarely looked at him and when she did, it was an accusatory glare and yet - _yet, he found himself lost in those dark steel eyes._

"Then who else is gonna do it?"

"Me."

The answer surprised him as much as it did his comrades because Jean - the laid back, arrogant, _cowardly_ Jean - had offered himself up for a certain death. Wasn't his only dream to live a peaceful life within the innermost walls?

But as he stared at astonished gray eyes and dark luscious hair, he made up his mind, "I'll do it."

Because _for her,_ he would die not once but twice and thrice and as many times as fate will allow him.

_But only for her._

_●●●_

He found her sobbing behind the barracks the day Eren abandoned them. With her back rigid against the brick wall and face muffled between her knees, she looked small and weak. Nothing like the Mikasa he _knew._

But he didn't really _know_ her, did he?

They had always treated Mikasa as their treasured soldier - _a woman worth hundreds soldiers -_ and she had always lived up to their expectations. But how could Jean, of all people, forget that titles turn to ashes when the heart mourned and medals mean _nothing_ when grief called out.

He was disappointed and downright furious; at Eren for betraying them, at _her_ for allowing that suicidal maniac to hold this much power over her. _At himself for being a useless excuse of a friend._

Clenching his fists, he stood there awkwardly, hearing the heart wrenching sobs of his beloved. He took a step forward and a leaf crunched under his boots, startling the sobbing girl.

Jean panicked.

"I- I was just-" But his words died in his throat as those _captivating_ gray eyes, now red-rimmed and swollen and barely hiding her abundant sorrow, stared up at him.

Overcome with sudden compassion, Jean - the selfish and callous Jean - leaned on his knees and faced her directly. Deep golden eyes bore into hers intently and Jean acknowleded in fascination the fact that they beheld hues of purple and blue within the endless array of dark gray.

"Mikasa, you.." are strong, he had wanted to say but humans are meant to be broken over time so they could be mended to perfection again. Right? Who was he to decide when someone can be strong or weak?

"Mikasa, you are strong.." he sighed softly, "but you are allowed to be human once in a while, you know? We are not killing machines. There's more to us." He decided to be as honest as he could. After all, he was known as the blunt one of the group.

The words, however, seemed to halt her unshed tears as she stared at him in deep thought. For the first time, she _looked_ at him. The _real_ him. _Jean Kirstein._

Wiping her tears, she nodded gratefully towards him before burying her face in that awfully dirty and old red scarf. _Eren's scarf._

Taking that as his cue, he stood up, allowing her to have a little bit of time to herself before Levi or Armin come to check up on her.

"Jean.." Her voice was small, hesitant- just like an innocent child's. He stopped in his tracks but didn't glance back.

"Thank you."

His heart thundered uncontrollably and he found himself _falling, falling, falling._

All of a sudden. All over again.

"Anytime." He replied in a what he assumed was a "cool guy" tone and sped off towards the mess hall.

●●●

The earth rattled frighteningly underneath as the terrifying roars of battlefield consumed his remaining sanity. Anywhere he looked, he saw bloodshed. Anywhere he turned, he heard despair.

How long do they have to suffer?

Clenching his eyes shut, he clung to the closest person, which just so happened to be _Reiner_. The same Reiner he had hated with a burning passion until a few days ago. Jean wanted to laugh at the irony, honestly.

"Jean, get a hold of yourself." Reiner's grave voice travelled through the piercing shrieks of his internal turmoil. He didn't open his eyes but he heard Annie's voice.

"The Azumabito ship sunk." She informed with a hint of guilt and Jean gritted his teeth.

"Armin was swallowed by a titan." Mikasa was telling Annie - He could detect the fear in her voice even amidst his breakdown - and Jean could feel bile rising up his throat.

Just how much _more_ will they have to suffer?

Uncontrollable rage overtook his mind and before he could pacify himself, the damage was done.

"Mikasa," He forced her name as if it was a curse he couldn't outrun (there was more than an ounce of truth in that), "We need to kill Eren."

She gaped at him, hair matted to her forehead and eyes glistening with unshed tears and unspoken sorrow. _Just like that day._

She didn't speak or shout or even tried to defend _her Eren._ Because deep down, _she knew._ All of them did.

And yet, as he saw her stature crumbling and grief overpouring, he felt his heart constrict in agony.

He didn't _hate_ Eren. He didn't even _envy_ Eren anymore. All of them are doing what they must do; fulfilling their roles in this messed up game of life and death. _He didn't blame Eren._

Then why must Mikasa suffer? Why must she bear the brunt of their sharp words? Of _his_ hurtful words?

Jean frowned in disappointment. He was a failure as a friend. He couldn't understand Eren. He couldn't understand Reiner. _He couldn't understand Mikasa._

Just as he was about to apologise, Reiner's voice broke the tense air.

"You worry about saving Armin. Jean and I will handle Eren."

Jean's eyes snapped towards the Marleyan shifter and he saw understanding reflect from those jaded gold eyes.

He nodded as Reiner transformed, not wasting another second. Just as he was about to leap, a slender hand caught his arm. Electricity shot up his spine, rendering him frozen for a moment.

She had ducked her head in a childlike way, as if seeking the comfort of her absent scarf.

"Come back safely." It was a whisper but he heard it. Everyone did.

He ignored Connie's encouraging pat momentarily, staring at Mikasa's fallen face and nodded.

Of course he will survive. How could he not when she asked him so very heartily?

_For her he would go as far as to evade death._

_But only for her._

_●●●_

He held her in a quivering embrace as she wept _and_ cried _and_ shrieked in pain. His shirt was drenched as the rain mixed with her tears but he couldn't find it in himself to care. _Not when she clung so desperately to him._

Armin was wiping his tears a few feet ahead (Annie kneeling beside him), muttering countless apologies to what remained of _Eren Yeager._ Reiner was unconscious and so was Pieck, barely clinging to reality as she laid there lifelessly. Connie sat in shock, still comprehending their bittersweet victory. While Levi, battered body and mind, looked dead inside.

Jean's eyes' stung for the first time since Sasha's death and he was surprised to find himself mourning the attack titan shifter's terrible passing.

Mikasa's soft whimper shook him and he found her clutching her head, fingers clawing through her dark hair.

"Mikasa, Please." Jean steadied her arm but she only shook her head while muttering 'no' continuously.

His heart twisted as he watched her anguish unfold before his eyes. And thus, he found himself cradling her tear-stricken face in his dirty and wounded hands.

"Please, look at me."

She only cried in response.

"He is in a better place now. He is free." His voice broke towards the end, betraying his false resolve. She hiccuped, choking on her tears before her wet face once again found comfort in his bruised chest.

She mourned and Jean mourned with her.

_Because she had fallen and took him with her too._

_●●●_

The first time he suspected their relationship was one year after the war, when they had arrived in Marley for some official business. The subtle change in her demeanour, the hidden smiles and light brushes of limbs underneath the table were a huge giveaway which Jean had failed to comprehend at that time.

He had been so relieved that she had started to _live_ again after Eren's tragic demise that he failed to recognise the source of her happines, who was so obviously not him but Marley's newly appointed military chief and their previous enemy and present ally, _Reiner Braun._

He had been looking for Armin after the meeting when he found _her_ with _him;_ bashful eyes downcast, serenity reflecting from her (otherwise cold) face as she stood somewhat awkwardly besides his rigid form. Reiner, however, didn't look as at ease. Keen gaze transfixed on her movements as if he expected her to pull out _another thunder spear_ and blow up his nape.

Jean strode towards the pair and pretended not to notice the sudden stiffness in her pose. The chief turned to acknowledge his presence from where he was leaning against the rusty rails of Marley's Military Headquarters.

Mikasa didn't look at him. Her gaze fixed intently at labourers beneath, carrying boulders out of the yard.

"War Chief." Jean saluted.

Reiner nodded, "Squad Leader Kirstein."

A burdensome silence followed and the three of them stood; Reiner struggling through an internal battle, Mikasa avoiding eyecontact with either of them and Jean? _He felt suffocated._

"I must leave now. Pay my regards to Captain Levi." Reiner excused himself, hastily walking down the corridor.

"Reiner." Jean's rigid voice made the Marleyan man halt his hurried steps, "There is no need for formalities, you know. We all have been through too much together."

Reiner stayed quiet for a moment before flashing a sorrowful smile towards them.

"Indeed, we have."

●●●

Jean rarely saw Mikasa - _or Armin_ for that matter- around the hotel they were staying in. The building was worn down and far from luxurious, but the staff offered decent service, far better than any he had experienced back on Paradis.

Besides, they don't have to pay as all dues were cleared by the Marleyan Government as a token of gratitude.  
_Hmph, not bad_ _at all._

And still, two out of three of his friends aren't seen enjoying this free hospitality. What a waste.

He said exactly _that_ to Armin when he caught him rushing out of his room one early morning. Armin had, of course, stammered repeatedly, offering painfully lame excuses.

"What kind of Commander is called for duty this early in the morning and stays at the HQ till.. i don't know- _Do you even come back_!?"

"I-Uh-It's confidential, Jean-"

"Confidential- my foot!" Jean looks him straight in the eye, "I have known you for a decade now. Spare me the excuses."

Just then Connie decided to appear.

"What's happening?"

"Nothing. I'm seriously running late. Sorry!"

And Armin Arlert has once again escaped.

"What's with you? You look pissed." Connie raised a brow quizzically.

"What's with _them_?"

"Armin and Mikasa? Don't know about her but Armin's finally getting some. Don't be a cockblock now."

Jean felt his eyebrow twitch as he watched the _stupidly_ lewd grin on his best friend's face.

"So he finally hit it off with Annie?" He pursed his lips, mind occupied with flashbacks of Reiner and Mikasa talking _cosily_ in the corridors. In the mess hall. Even In the meeting room.

"Yeah, the boy waited for _years-"_

_"Fuck off."_

He ignored Connie's laugh, bothered by his own speculations.

●●●

"Annie and I have been together for a few months."

Armin finally confessed after one of their many visits to Marley. It had been a year and half since the War.

None of them had been surprised, not even the captain. They had suspected long before the couple even got together officially. As the group congratulated their young commander, Jean's honey gold eyes found Mikasa; her hand resting atop Armin's shoulder and she whispered something encouraging to him.

_When will she confess?_

Jean knows enough from their visits that Reiner and Mikasa have long since overstepped the friendly boundaries.

●●●

"Jean."

His heart fluttered at her voice, hands gripping the ship's ledge, seeking the cold comfort of the wooden handrail.  
He heard her footsteps, light and graceful, as she boarded the quarter deck. Only when she was standing beside him, did he turn to face her.

_And perhaps he shouldn't have._

His throat ran dry as the moon cast an enchanting silhouette upon her glowing features. Eyes glistening deeper than the night sky which veiled them, silky raven hair a dark halo above her head. Jean was mesmerised by this ethereal woman.

"I had wanted to talk to you for a while now."

Dumbly realizing that she was _real_ and she was _here_ in front of him, Jean coughed and turned back towards the ocean.

"I'm listening."

"This.. This is hard for me-" Jean watched her from the corner of his eye. She seemed to struggle with words.

"Is It a bad thing?" He asked bluntly.

"I-No. At least, I don't think It is."

"Then go ahead."

She opened her mouth and.. closed it again. Jean hid his smile; _She looked cute._

Perhaps its the infinite sanctity of ocean or the comforting lull of waves hitting the keel, or perhaps it's the bewitching glow of a half moon, or the alluring dark of the vast night sky. Perhaps, it's the moist sea breeze or the rowdy voices of soldiers down in the storage room. Perhaps, it was nothing of it and everything all at once.

But Jean felt confident.

And he found his hand resting against her soft cheek, brushing a few raven strands out of the way. _How he had longed to run his hands through these silky tresses._

His eyes bore into hers, deep and dark, pulling him within uncharted territories and depths of tarturus itself. His thumb stroked her bottom lip, grazed the plump flesh ever so gently before she was pulling away.

"Jean, please. Listen."

Jean was too fascinated by the flush which decorated her pale face to respond in words.

"I only told Armin and I wanted to tell everyone else at once but-" She sighed, "I think.. I think you deserve to know before the others."

Jean stayed silent. He was barely listening, for he seemed entranced by the way she ducked her head shyly and bit her lip nervously.

_What is she doing to him?_

"I have no right to apologize but i never wanted it to be this way."

Her sentence caught his divided attention and he seemed to tune back into reality for a moment.

"Why are you apologising?"

"I-We-" She closed her eyes and spoke in a shaky voice, "I had been fooling around with.. Reiner.."

His eyes widened, heart shattering a million times.

"And?"

"And I'm.. I think.. I think I might like him."

Jean laughed.

_Laughed._

Laughed at her innocence. Laughed at her flabbergasted expression. Laughed at his ridiculously unfortunate fate.

"Wha-" Her words died in her throat when his finger came to rest upon her soft rosy lips, the allure of them tempting his inner beast. Yet he remained steadfast in his resolve.

What kind of man disrespects the woman he claims to love? Not the kind of _Jean Kirstein._

"I know." His voice seemed amused, broken, _heavy._

As her eyes widened even more, Jean smiled through his pain. And as she made no move to push his hand away, Jean dragged his thumb across her lips, leaning until his forehead rested against her's.

"It doesn't matter as long as you are happy."

●●●

"You're going to hurt her." His voice was hard as he sauntered towards the blonde War Chief.

"I know."

Jean smirked wryly at his brute honesty. Reiner, ever since Jean had known him, had been anything but honest. Hence the surprise when he accepted this one fact easily.

Or maybe, it was the guilt Reiner nevers seems to escape.

"You have less than a year left." He stated, albeit sounding more somber this time.

"I know." Reiner still didn't turn to face him. Perhaps, he didn't have the strength.

Jean stood directly beside him, gazing at the children - Gabi and Falco - racing towards the training ground.

"Make her the happiest woman in these few months. Or I'll smash that handsome face of yours."

Jean didn't look at him but the amused grunt which escaped the other man's lips was enough of a response. When Reiner spoke, there was a mirthful lilt to his grave voice.

"Roger, Squad Leader Kirstein."

No other word was exchanged as an unspoken pact was made between them.

They would do anything it takes to make _her_ happy.

●●●

The next time Jean saw Mikasa was several months after his conversation with Braun. He had been pretty occupied between accompanying Armin to political meetings, overseeing reconstruction of Paradis and trysting with a certain _cart titan_ holder. Hence, he barely had the time to cross paths with Mikasa as she mostly performed as an Ambassador between Hizuru, Marley and Paradis, making her unapproachable.

So when she came stumbling to the barracks one night, He was genuinely surprised.

Just as the choruses of "Captain Ackerman" erupted in the hall, Jean turned around expecting Levi standing at the door with a Why-are-you-brats-drinking-on-Wednesday-night scowl. Instead, he was faced with a tense Mikasa searching the crowd frantically. Jean didn't move from his spot but it wasn't long until Mikasa's dull black eyes zeroed on him and she beckoned him outside.

He set his whiskey down and proceeded to follow after her, gracefully ignoring his subordinates who were rooting for a _steamy rendezvous_ between their superiors.

He found her leaning against the brick wall and nostalgia ran him over with memories of a similar brick wall, holding the younger version of this same girl from crumbling, all those years ago.

"Mikasa?" His questioning gaze was all it took for her to fall apart. Her head crashed against his hammering chest- _and how is she still able to make his heart pound after all these years? -_ and her voice was muffled by the fabric of his military uniform.

"I can't understand what you're saying."

Slowly, she moved away, wiping her tears and keeping her eyes down as she spoke softly. Timidly.

"All of them are _dying._ "

Jean understood immediately. _Of course he did._

He already knew because he had seen the light withering in Armin's eyes. He already knew because he had seen Annie collapsing twice a week. He already knew because he had seen Pieck coughing up blood on more than one occasion. _He knew_ _none of them are going to survive._

_He had always known._

Yet, as he stood against the dirty old brick walls with her trembling form slumped against his taller, broader one, he couldn't help the guilt which swimmed towards his fractured heart, weighing it down with every passing second.

"Mikasa.."

"All of them, Jean. All of them!" She grasped his military jacket, holding on so firmly, so desperately.

"Annie, Reiner.... Armin.." Her voice wavered before breaking completely, "Armin.. He is.."

"We can find a way. We still have time to save at least Armin. Maybe Annie too." Jean wasn't sure anymore if he was comforting her or his own self.

She only shook her head, holding on tighter.

"Eren said.. He said.. Armin won't leave me.. but He will. Everyone does."

Jean had known heartbreak ever since he met Mikasa Ackerman. Never once had he known a gut wrenching agony which wasn't even his own. At least not completely.

And thus, instinctively, his arms curled around the young woman's trembling form; a woman he respected, admired and always loved from a distance. A woman he had promised to cherish and protect a long time ago but instead ended up being protected every single time.

A woman who could knock the living air out of him right now if she wanted. Yet she only buried her face in his jacket, inhaling the unfamiliar scent of pinewood, smoke and musk.

'I would never leave you.' Jean had wanted to say.

_But how could he make false promises under the pretence of optimism?_

He wouldn't want to put her through the anguish of another broken promise, for they lived in a cruel, _cruel_ world. So instead, he sighed and kissed the top of her short raven hair.

"We'll get through this."

●●●

Jean clenched his fists, burning a hole in the soaked ground, as if it's cause had been ruthless bloodshed, instead of late monsoon rain.

_Why did it have to come to this?_

He could hear the vexing cries of Gabi, the hushed sobs of Falco, the sorrow in Armin's voice as he gave a memorial speech in Late War Chief, Reiner Braun's honour.

_Why?_

Connie offered him water, casting worried glances at his bestfriend every now and then. Jean rejected the liquid. He wouldn't be able to sate his sanity even if he drowned in water right now.

_How much more do they have to suffer?_

"Reiner... above anything else, was loyal. To his family, his homeland, his friends and.." It was Annie's voice now (Jean could imagine her emotionless eyes glimmering with the slightest of grief) "and everyone he loved." She finished and He didn't need to lift his eyes to know the implied meaning of her last line.

"He was the only one I had left from the Marleyan Warrior Unit. The last of my makeshift _family._ " _Pieck._

Jean felt bile rising up in his throat because he _knew,_ he _fucking knew,_ it was Pieck's turn next. _And there's nothing he could do about it._

"I will miss him." He heard her footsteps as she walked away. And only then he lifted his eyes towards the small gathering.

And he wished he hadn't done that.

For as soon as honeyed eyes lifted from the ground, they found a certain woman, standing sideways from the newly dug grave. She looked _numb._ As if, Reiner's death had little to no effect on her. But Jean knew better.

He had known her far too long to dismiss the tilt of her mouth holding in quivers, or the way her eyes flickered with memories of the late Chief Braun and perhaps, a certain _Yeager_ too.

"Mikasa, Do you want to say something?" Armin approached her gently, as if dancing around a glass doll, afraid to shatter it because of one wrong step.

"Will my words bring him back?"

Armin couldn't reply.

And Jean couldn't stand still anymore. He took a hesitant step towards the duo. And halted.

"This world is cruel, Armin. Don't cry." She spoke absentmindedly. As if, living in a faraway fantasy (or was it reality?) none of them could reach.

"Mikasa.."

"We have to fight, Armin. If we don't fight, we lose. If we lose, We die. Fight." She whispered continuously earning pitiful stares from strangers and friends alike.

Jean couldn't watch anymore.

He left the cemetery.

●●●

"When did you start smoking?"

Jean startled from his position against the cracked boulder, turning around swiftly in fearful alarm, only to be faced with his captain. Well, not _his_ captain anymore. Jean was now, afterall, a commanding officer himself.

A commanding officer who would have shit his pants at the captain's reprimanding glare, had it not been for his bottled grief. It had been _two months_ since Reiner had departed from this world, leaving devastated friends and family to navigate through the difficult path of restoration.

Jean watched as the captain strode towards him.

Levi Ackerman, despite his ridiculously short height, stitched face and two missing fingers, still emitted an aura of superiority and _danger._ The murderous glint in his steel-gray eyes may have dimmed after years of ruthless war, but it still held enough power to make a six foot three inch giant cower in fear.

Abandoning his partially smoked cigarette, he gave a half hearted shameful tilt of lips to the Ackerman.

"That darn smoke still burns my lungs." The shorter man grumbled in annoyance and Jean didn't understand the reference, so Levi rolled his eyes and muttered, "Zeke did it all the fucking time."

He _oh-ed_ before a nostalgic smile adorned his hard features.

"I... picked it up from Reiner, I guess."

The smile faltered and Jean was once again back in his cadet days. When Jean had a harmless crush on Mikasa. When Armin only wanted to see the ocean. When Eren had been more of a rival than a threat.

When Marco wanted to join the Military Police and serve the 'King'. When Sasha used to sneak food in the training camp. When _Reiner_ used to be the ever helpful big brother none of them had. When things had been so much easier.

_When all of them had been alive._

"We'll be leaving in a week." Levi's gruff voice interrupted his trail of long forgotten memories.

"Leav- where?"

"Mikasa and I," The captain answered, eyeing him carefully, "We'll be leaving this place in a week. The details are confidential."

Jean sputtered doltishly for a minute or so before gathering his scattered senses and sweeping them into his mind.

"I don't understand. Why now? Why so suddenly?"

"There are things - responsibilities and people - she wants to avoid. Hizuru, for example. The brat didn't have enough time to mourn and they're already expecting so much of her." Levi's scowl deepened as he spoke.

"So, you're running away?"

_Fuck._

Jean hadn't meant for it to come out like this. He hadn't meant to word it as an underlying insult to his immediate superior and the girl he cherished from the bottom of his heart.

Levi looked like he was offended by the statement but brushed it off - which is rare, coming from him.

"No one, except Armin, is allowed to visit us for a year. Direct orders from the government. She is on house rest and I'm put in charge of her until I deem her... sane enough to hold her own."

Understanding dawned on Jean's face and he put two and two together. Of course, _Levi_ would be her guardian - temporary or permanent - as he is her only living relative. Or at least the only living relative who genuinely seems to care about her well being.

"What is it? You have constipation or what?"

Jean chuckled softly, "Brusque as always, Captain. I was only thinking that you are probably her only real family left now."

Levi's vexed glare softened ever so slightly.

"She wanted Armin to go with her." He confessed suddenly and Jean only nodded.

"Armin wouldn't have been able to tame the brat." Levi continued, "Besides, he has his own matters to deal with now."

Jean scoffed despite the smile which threatened to overtake his gloomy expression. Annie and Armin were lucky to have spent their last years together. Neither of them would suffer long without the other, such is the blessing of being a titan shifter and in love with another titan shifter.

 _Ironically twisted_ _it is._

"Captain." His voice was soft. Hesitant. Hopeful, _almost._

Levi raised a brow, seemingly unaffected but Jean has come to know that this beast of a man is nothing but a broken soul at core.

"Please... take care of her."

A gentle smile tugged at the corner of his lips and suddenly, Levi looked a lot younger than he actually was.

"Ah."

●●●

Golden eyes were intently outlining the abtract sketches adorning the far-east wall of the room before turning to observe the slightest specks of dirt marring tiled floor. His ears quirked from time to time, making out hushed conversations from the next room.

The meeting had ended only a few minutes ago and Mikasa had requested to talk to him. _Alone._

He quickly chugged down half of water from his bottle, tapping his brown military boots impatiently against the tiles. She had yet to make an appearance and Jean was getting rather irritated. _And nervous._

Why does she want to talk to _him_ privately?

It wasn't like they were 'best buddies' all of a sudden. He was merely her comrade - one who had been harbouring unrequited love for her for over a decade but a comrade, nonetheless.

The door swung open and Jean instantly tensed. Even more than he already was.

His eyes remained glued to the painting but his mind was busy reprimanding him for his rudeness.  
Mikasa's close proximity wasn't helping as well.

"I.."

His gaze flickered towards her momentarily, noticing the frown on her aristocratic features.

"I wanted to thank you."

"Thank me? For what?" _Wow Jean. Smooth._

"I don't know." A myriad of expressions passed through her face before she gave a wry smile, "For being the sane one out of us all, I guess."

He didn't know whether to feel proud or insulted.

"You have always been a great leader but... over the last few years, you have been an even better friend."

His eyes widened.

 _Friend._ She considered him a friend.

"We owe you a lot. All of us." Then she turned her dark mesmerising eyes towards his; the depth of whom he still wanted to explore leisurely.

"You are a wonderful man, Jean. Please don't wait for someone like me." Her voice cracked, "You can do better. _So much better._ "

Jean was astonished at first, _delighted_ at the praise even. But then the switch flipped and he dropped his head, a dark chuckle resonated from his throat. _Wasn't she praising his "ability to remain sane out of them all" a while ago?_

"Jean?"

"Honestly, Mikasa." He gave her a dry smile, "When will you stop lying?"

"It's not a-"

"This is not about me. This is about _you._ " He didn't care if his words came off harsh or blunt, It needed to be said.

"You cannot lo- you don't reciprocate my.. feelings and you are beating yourself up because of it. You aren't here to praise my outstanding leadership skills or my friendship-" He clenched his fist, "You are here because you are leaving when I'm right here."

She opened her mouth to protest but he silenced her.

"But.. but you are leaving on your own free will. You don't have to force yourself to say these words or stay here because," He grabbed her shoulders, "you owe me _nothing,_ Mikasa. You are your own person. Do whatever the hell you want because It's your life. Learn to be selfish for once without looking back or carrying a burdensome amount of guilt on your shoulders."

A lone tear escaped lonelier gray eyes and when she spoke, her voice was barely a whisper.

"Thank you, Jean."

And then _it_ happened.

Just as some kind fairy twirled her wand and _magic_ erupted; Jean found himself confined in the gentle but defined arms of _Mikasa Ackerman._

The guardian angels sitting on his shoulders spewed choruses of joyous love and the earth seemed to slip away, leaving him into a bottomless abyss. Falling. Falling. _Falling._ With nothing to guide but the hammers beating down his jaded heart and her arms. _Her warm, gentle arms._

An eternity passed before Mikasa decided to pull away, a graceful smile - standing proud like a bud at the onset of spring after the devastation of autumn - on her pretty lips.

Jean had half a mind to just _fuck everything_ and _kiss_ those luscious lips, claim that enchanting mouth of hers.

Because _God Forbid!_ If he let her go now, he would lose her forever.

And Jean Kirstein is anything but a loser.

"Thank you, for everything." Mikasa squeezed his hand, their callouses brushing against each other, creating stories of their own.

Jean smiled, _genuinely_ smiled and tugged her close. He could see Mikasa's gentle expression drop and confusion overtake her features but he only pulled her closer until their foreheads rested against each other.

"Jea-" Her words were silenced as a pair of soft thin lips brushed the seams of her forehead. Gray eyes widened as the warmth from his mouth poured into her soul, his lingering lips carving their imprint in her mind forever.

"This is a parting gift." His breath fanned her head as he whispered between the peck. Then, he took a respectable step backward, pinning her with bright gold eyes and a cheshire grin.

"From now on, live only for _yourself._ "

Mikasa nodded, eyes glossed and heart touched.

As he watched her turn around and walk away from him - farther, farther, _farther -_ until he could no longer see her, Jean thought he was not a loser at core.

 _Perhaps,_ he was only a loser when it comes to her.

_Only for her._

●●●

**Author's Note:**

> So I have a thing for one-sided/unrequited love and maybe this is one of the reasons why Jean is one of my favourite characters.  
> Ch. 138 had me DEVASTATED!  
> I honestly don't know how to feel about aot anymore. I love Eremika but If it became canon (as in Eren somehow survives and they get together) the ship will lose It's charm for me. Because I have a thing for tragic lovestories, remember?  
> Jk. I personally feel that Jean (or Levi) would be perfect to keep her grounded. Whilst Reiner is her match in physical/emotional strength. Whatever happens, I just want all of them to be happy *cries*
> 
> I have a JeanPiku oneshot planned next so shippers, keep an eye out!
> 
> P.s I apologise for the lack of Rivamika. It just didn't feel right to push Mikasa into another lovey dovey relationship after her heart has been broken two times. It is however implied that Levi may hold special feelings for her which might lead to a future relationship. Should I do a sequel in which Mikasa and Jean reunite after years but Mikasa is already content with Levi and Jean is married? Or is this amount of hurt enough for you all? *cry-laughs*


End file.
